MOTHER-EFFING SQUIRRELS
by Ruby the Dog

I see you out there
Going through my human’s trash
Mother. Effing. Squirrels.
You are fat. Smelly. And not too afraid of me.
YET.

This is my yard, you furry little fools,
And although I’m terrified of garbage bags, plastic dogs, Christmas tree lights and statues of Jesus,
I am not afraid of you,
MOTHER. EFFING. SQUIRRELS.

Hear my roar-like bark through the window-thingy at the bottom of this door!
Any moment now, I shall break free from my human’s den, race onto the lawn, and then?
PAYBACK.

Ah, HA!
The woman-human let me out and now I chase thee with abandon
Bark! Bark! Bark! Grrrrrrrrrrrrr-OWL!
Fear me, for I am doggie-death!
Leave my lawn now or I shall…

Hey, did that woman-human drop half a french fry here last week?
Oh yeah, she did.
Cool.
Nom Nom Nom.
DAMN, that was good.
Maybe she dropped some more nearby.
Better sniff around.

Oh.
Hey, squirrels.
You’re still here.
Whatever.

Because MOTHER EFFING FRENCH FRIES!